Who Needs Sleep?

I saw this community linked and figured that it is pretty appropriate for me...

So I have insomnia. That's the easier way to put it. My body has no idea how to sleep, what the concept is, what's enough, etc. My psychiatrist keeps telling me to wake up at the same time every day and go to bed at the same time.

As if, you know, that's possible.

I have set alarms and turned them off in my sleep, even if it may require getting up. Once when on Remeron I got up, walked across the room over to my computer, typed in my password, and clicked off of Firefox that was playing an alarm. Then walked back to bed, without ever remembering any of this.

Right now I'm going off of Cymbalta, which makes it even worse. My body thinks that its bed time is 3-3:30AM. I don't know when it wants to get up, but I wake up tired no matter what.

It doesn't how matter hours of sleep I get, I usually wake up exhausted. Five, ten... Makes no difference. But when I get insomnia and get four or less hours of sleep? I usually feel more awake. It makes no sense whatsoever.

The other day I had bad anxiety and got an uncommon but aggravating side-effect: I was too terrified to sleep. I was afraid to even step toward the bed because I was afraid I would wake up to something bad having happened. So I just stayed up until 8AM, when I felt stupid and went to bed. Woke up at 11:54AM, naturally, with no alarms. Because that's enough sleep, brain.

I usually toss and turn for at least 15 minutes before falling asleep, sometimes up to an hour. I call it "insomnia" when I'm tossing for more than two hours. Once I went to bed around 2AM in the horrible heat and humidity, and woke up at 4AM, fully awake. That was a fun day.

I have no idea what my natural sleep rhythm is. I'm pretty sure I don't actually have one.

It doesn't help that I'm at a school where I swear it's considered awesome and tough and bragging to NOT sleep, so during the semester when I could have tried to sleep enough, I didn't because I felt like I "didn't deserve it" or would otherwise be looked down upon (social phobia and depression combo go!).

To top it all off, I have weird dreams. Really weird. I've died in dreams at least three times before (became a ghost in one), had a friend die in one once, and as an example once I had a dream I was kayaking through an aqueduct without the kayak after being kidnapped by supervillians. When I dream? I never wake up feeling like I slept well. The rare moments I have nightmares, they are horrifying.

I also have a number of severe anxiety disorders, which don't help me fall asleep when I'm too busy worrying or catastrophizing.

So yeah. I have absolutely no idea what is wrong with my sleep schedule, or my brain, which is determined to not have one. I just know I kind of look like I've been punched in the eyes with how dark the streaks under my eyes are. And I'm sick of doctors implying I somehow do this to myself when no, sorry, when school isn't forcing me to stay up to do work, my brain screws itself up anyway.

For those who are curious, I just graduated with an engineering degree at a competitive university, and am going to be starting grad studies there soon. Just to shed some context into the "It's cool to not sleep" deal here.

So yeah... If anyone can relate, or has any idea what is wrong, I'm all ears. Happy to be here. :)